Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
