What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I think I am morally bankrupt
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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