i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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