Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
