I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
