Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
