he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
