That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
