I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
