someone threw a dead crab at me
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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