I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
