I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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