I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
please come you make the beer taste better
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Randomize
