pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
