R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize