my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
