Someone shit on the floor
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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