Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
