Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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