I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
