I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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