If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize