it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
