She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
