Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
