I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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