Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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