Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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