I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
