Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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