I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
