Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
