I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
