I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
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