i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
