note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
