I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
