So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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