She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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