If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
