you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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