i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
