Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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