If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
