I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Randomize
