I want to walk on stilts...naked
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
how does that bad decision feel?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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