I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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