I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
