Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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