3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
