I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
