Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
