Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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