So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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