before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
