just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
