seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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