Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
