Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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