Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
