so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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