Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
