Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
