the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Pants 0. Shit 1.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
