He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
