I was born with a shot glass in my hand
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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