omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
