Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
